Daring Attempt Thwarted

The Federal Bureau of Prisons informed the Associated Press today of a recent escape attempt by a hardened criminal housed at Cribcatraz, the infamous prison commonly referred to as "The Nursery". Inmate number 20060815 is currently serving out his sentence for a variety of crimes, among them... disturbing the peace, possesion of a putrid substance with intent to distribute, and unlawful impersonation of a water fountain.

The prisoner was transferred to the maximum security level Cribcatraz facility over 5 months ago when his original jail was deemed too small to deal with him. Throughout his incarceration, he has pleaded for his release on a daily basis. It has even been rumored that he bribes guards with smiles and giggles in order to gain certain "luxuries" not available to others.

Recently it came to light that these smiles and giggles masked the true intentions of a criminal mastermind. The would-be jailbird studied his cell for weeks looking for weaknesses and plotting the best opportunity for escape. On Tuesday the 15th he saw his chance. As the guard left his cellblock after a bed check, the felon attempted to scale the walls of the heretofore impenetrable bastion of internment.

Happily for the citizens of the neighboring towns, the convict's attempt was foiled when he stopped to soothe his mouth owies on the padded walls of his cell. The wardens studied ways to block further attempts of escape and have scheduled a lowering of the cell's floor for the upcoming weekend. As for the prisoner, his desperate escape having failed, he seems resigned to his fate and waiting for his next parole hearing scheduled for a year from now.